Five things I forgot I learned about being a wife

Dear future me,

So you're in need of a refresher course in wife-ing eh?

As I sit in the apartment I share with my husband, thinking about what I need to get done before tomorrow (confession: this wasn't on that list), I was thinking about some of the lessons I find really useful as a young, relatively newly married person.

What I go back to time and time again are the women in my young life who showed me what it is to be a wife, an employee and a unique, vibrant person all at the same time. And some most of them were moms too. Still having trouble wrapping my brain around how they did all of that.

Now, there's no way to emphasize enough the education I received through the example and wisdom of the older ladies I know. I can't count my adopted grandmothers on this earth and my birth grandmothers... well there really aren't words for all the wisdom they've shared with me.

Then there are the ladies around my mom's age and younger who I've been close to. That's the group I want to focus on.

These are the ladies whose lives I became a part of in the thick of it, the busiest part of their lives. I saw them interact with their husbands, handle work stress, manage their responsibilities at home and herd children... (sometimes me included).

So I put together some things I tend to forget I learned from these women for those days when I need a little guidance.

• None of them do it the same way. 

There's no magic formula that makes your family run how you want it to. I think about this when I feel insecure about doing something differently than how my mom did it, or how my grandma taught me to do it, or how my friends do it. Everybody has to run their lives in the way that works for them. If it's not working, do be afraid to do something differently. This is true even (and maybe especially) if other women pressure you to conform to something that's not working for you.

• None of them do it perfectly. 

Sometimes even when we do things the way that normally works for us, to the best of our abilities, we still come up short. I think that's scary, especially when you think about the added responsibility that comes with being a wife or a mother. When the people you love most depend on you to come through for them, failure is a scary concept. But the thing is, everybody fails sometimes. What's really inspiring to me is to watch someone get up and deal with that reality, clean up after their mistake and not be afraid to keep going.

• They are not always happy

Sometimes when you have a loving husband or a cute baby or a nice house people just expect that you never have anything to be unhappy about. But that's not reality. I think the happily-ever-after at the end of the Disney movie makes a lot single women (past, past me included) feel like once we get married our most dramatic, difficult time will be behind us. That is definitely not the case. Marriage is not a bubble that protects you from reality. It's very real. And sometimes it's really difficult. That's when I think about these women that I grew up around who went through really difficult times in their marriages. I caught a glimpse of the reality of committing yourself to another person for life. I saw that seemingly insurmountable issues can be overcome if you and your husband are willing to sacrifice for it. I'm grateful for these women being open about their lives with me. What these women have done for their families makes me want to work harder and be stronger for mine. 

• Being a Mrs. doesn't mean you have to lose yourself

Having a vibrant personality, quirks and interests don't have to go away when you put on a wedding band. Sometimes I think some young wives get caught up on being the perfect cake-topper bride and forget to be themselves. Want to neglect the kitchen for a day and paint a picture instead? do it. I'm not saying you need to neglect your family for these things, but having personal time here and there is important. Self sacrifice doesn't mean as much if there's nothing left of you to give. So much of what we do is for appearances anyway. Sometimes I find it helpful to remember how fun it was to be around those women who didn't care if their carpet was outdated or their house wasn't spotless. They just lived life and shared with others genuinely. Skip the pretenses; just be yourself.

• It's worth it even when it's not easy

The epicness that is being a wife can't really be described. Sharing your life with the love of another person is a special gift. Cherish it. 

Okay, now get back to it, lady!

Sincerely, 

Past me